Inadequate.

You've seen the pictures in the homeschooling journals and blogs.

You know the ones I'm talking about.

The ones with the beautiful homeschool classrooms. The ones with the kids feeding the family chickens, digging in the garden. The ones with boys and girls all dressed in adorable anoraks and wellies tromping through the forest of their backyard or neighborhood woods.

Maybe you, like me, look at those pictures and feel...inadequate.

Maybe you live in an apartment with beige walls and carpet. Maybe you can't paint one entire wall with chalkboard paint. You can't wallpaper with maps. Perhaps you don't have room for a dedicated homeschool space and your school spills out into the dining room, the living room, the bedrooms.

Perhaps you don't have a huge and lovely farmhouse table at which to do all your work. Or perfectly coordinated individual desks for each one of your students, all lined up and tidy with just the right amount of papers and pencils to be picturesque and organized.

It's possible that your kitchen is hardly an example of those warm and inviting spaces for entertaining you see every time you turn on HGTV. It could be small and cramped with room for one, possibly two, but is hardly set up to serve as an extension of your classroom. Your counter space might make it difficult to spread out in a way that includes your kids, despite the fact that you long to invite them in and learn to cook some of their favorites and yours.

Maybe you don't have a garden. Or chickens. Or even a dog or a cat. Maybe because you don't want them. Maybe because you can't have them for one reason or another...no matter how much you'd like to give that experience to your kids. Maybe you can't even make a container garden on your patio because it's surrounded by brick and faces south so everything you put out there dies.

Perhaps you don't live near a park. Or a pond. Or trees. Or green space. Or the beach. Or a stream. Maybe as much as you'd love to let your kids learn to be wild and free in nature, there's just not much space to explore it where you are.

It's so easy to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves with others. Especially when there are so many pretty, pretty pictures floating around out there on Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, and all the other ways that we are able to share and compare. Judge and be judged. Feel superior. Feel less than.

I'm here to tell you, mama, that you are doing just fine. Whether you've got chickens or not. Whether people are telling you that your family, your home, your homeschool could be in a magazine or not.

I'm here right now to do what I'm best at: keeping. it. real.

We've been on this crazy homeschool ride for 4 years now, in 3 different houses in 2 states. And I think we are doing okay. More than okay. I think my crew is pretty freaking awesome. And they are pretty awesome despite the fact that not a single photojournalist is knocking on my door asking to chronicle the aesthetic beauty that is our homeschool.

But I think there's beauty in it anyway.

On top of the toy chest in the boys' bedroom there is a clutter of art supplies and images because long after I want him to be in bed, Shorty is up writing books and illustrating them with mixed-media collages. The mess of his creation is everywhere because, when there is no room for a proper desk in the bedroom, he improvises. And when he wants the Hot Wheels tracks out of that toy chest, his mess moves to the floor. Naturally.

Nobody's going to put this in a magazine of how to organize your kids' crap, keep a tidy house, or even how to inspire creativity in your little one. Nevertheless, he's inspired. Constantly. And often against my wishes.

Our adorable crib-turned-craft-table is usually so cluttered with projects that we can't actually do the crafts at it. Honestly, it has become a collecting place for projects. Why? Because I don't think there's possibly space enough in the whole world to keep the enormous stack of books written by the boys. Not to mention the games they have created (and prefer to the store-bought variety) and the bird feeders they are enjoying hammering away on, despite the fact that we don't actually have a yard.

I used to insist that this table to clean and available to use, but they can't even keep up with themselves and their imaginations. How can I? Now we just periodically try to sort through what belongs to whom and file away projects that I didn't realize were finished.

Our classroom is cluttered, and our table is a mess of acrylic paint stains. And I don't think I've ever seen a more beautiful space for school work. It's not anything you'd ever see and think, "Yes! THAT is exactly what I want my room to look like!" However, it allows me to not be uptight and control how they are permitted to create.

 And that Red the Angry Bird pencil holder (along with his counterpart the Hulk, who is likely buried in a pile somewhere). Not my choice. It's certainly not the adorable mason jar idea that I pinned several years ago when I thought I might try to decorate. But the boys picked it. They painted it. And it makes them happy. And, really, that's more important than pretty things.

We have more books than our shelves can hold. And I love it. There is no room in this little apartment to add more shelves, so we make due with what we have. That includes this hand-me-down shelf that my dad built for my room when I was a girl. It's chipped and scuffed and drawn on. But it holds a ton of books.

So I'm unwilling to "upgrade" or even "upcycle" and try to make it fit in with some fleeting idea of what is fashionable. I'd rather read a book with the boys.

Or play a game:

We have plenty. And we play them all. Even if they aren't stored in cute matching baskets, but are instead stacked (perhaps a bit precariously) on ugly plastic shelves in the closet. Right next to an even more dangerous shelf of arts and crafts supplies.

Our little kitchen is always cluttered. It's half food prep area and half science lab, with a little bit of dumping ground thrown in for good measure.

My coffee may be next to the butterfly habitat, and there may not be much room for helping hands in the kitchen, but we do what we can. And so far, nobody has eaten a chrysalis by mistake.

We have no yard. No garden. There are never any wild critters roaming by our window. The view is pretty dismal, actually. There's no way to play soccer, ride bikes, fly a kite, take a hike, or really much of anything without packing up in the car and making a day of it. So that doesn't happen daily.

But we make it work. We get outside. We are active. We are adventurous. We just have to be deliberate about it.

Sure, sometimes I daydream about having a homeschool space that looks like this:

This:

Or this:

Or easy access to experiences like this:

and this:

But I am coming to learn that it is not the room, the location, the decorations, or even the natural habitat that make this whole homeschooling gig worthwhile. It is giving my children the space to discover who they are and the equipping them to thrive during these precious, fleeting years...even if that space looks like this:

I promise you, they will grow.

Real Life is Calling

We just got back from a week's vacation. We left the kids at Grands Camp. The hubs and I headed for the ocean. It was glorious.

A week from today we will head back to school. Things 1 & 2 are headed to second grade. Shorty will be in kindergarten. It is our third year on this homeschool adventure.

What are we doing to celebrate our last week of summer break? Hitting the pool everyday? Going on hikes and adventures? Lounging around in our PJs watching the tele? Those all sound like brilliant ideas.

But we are not doing any of that.

We are purging, packing, hauling, unloading, reorganizing.

We are moving.

Just across town, which is unusual for us, but we are moving nonetheless. We are trading our duplex on a soul-crushing street of other duplexes waaay out on the edge of town for a tidy little apartment a bit closer in to civilization. 

On the bright side, we will have year-round access to a pool (insert loud cheers from the children) in exchange for a fenced yard and attached garage. 

Giving in to the dark side, I have a sneaking suspicion that when the handsome husband throws around comments like "I'm looking forward to downsizing," he's mostly talking about my stuff and the kids' rather than his own.

This week I do not plan to come up for air. I am in beast mode. I have seven days. Seven short days which are also full of things like laundry, meal prep, soccer practice, and speech therapy. Just seven days to convert chaos into a classroom.

I have a lot of work ahead of me, but I sure do have some handsome little helpers who are also eager to get the job done. Or so they say...

www.jillheupel.com

Anyway. We are taking it in stride. Learning to be content in any circumstance. Even less-than-ideal, week-before-homeschool-starts, I'd-rather-be-poring-over-lesson-plans kinds of circumstances.

Just Not Pinterested

During this, the week after Mother's Day, I'm finally getting around to something I've been sitting on for a while. I can't really think of a better time to say say it than now, though, as we have just finished celebrating what it means to be a mom.

A few weeks back, I needed a solution for some of our clutter. Specifically, I needed to reclaim some space for their clothes. It seems that, as they keep getting bigger, so do their pants and shoes. Go figure. I decided on wall hooks for hoodies and backpacks and lofting Shorty's bed to add drawers or shelf space. I didn't want to spend a fortune doing it, either.

It didn't seem too daunting at first.

One trip to the thrift store.

Two crafty little projects.

And, as it turned out, a whole lot of stewing, frustration, and mom guilt.

You see, we live in the Pinterest generation.

One quick internet search for DIY coat hooks, and you are bombarded with images of beautiful designs carefully painted and distressed to perfectly compliment any decor.

And check out a few of the DIY kid's loft bed suggestions.

It seems we have added a whole new dimension of competition and judgey-ness to motherhood.

As if it weren't bad enough already, comparing children's behavior, activities, and accomplishments with each other, we now have social media dedicated to making us feel like our furniture, parties, decorations just don't stack up to the standard. It is no longer enough to buy a bed frame and a set of Holly Hobbie sheets for your kid's room, and use an old dresser to store their clothes (as was the case with my childhood room). Now you must find a free wooden pallet or two and transform them into a personalized headboard. If you are lucky enough to have that hand-me-down dresser, you've just saved yourself days searching thrift shops for the perfect item. However, you can't just use it as is. You must sand it and paint it. Then distress it, because it can't look new. You need to put new hardware on it, too. Maybe even decoupage something on the drawers to add some interest or texture.

We have bought into this idea that we are somehow less successful as a wife or a mother if our house isn't some wonderland of perfectly coordinated DIY items.

So my little plan to add more space and organization began to feel oppressive to me.

Between cleaning the house, doing laundry for 5, cooking 3 meals a day, homeschooling 3 bright and active boys, and finding time for the hubby, I barely had time to shower. How was I going to find time to create these amazing pieces to add to the boys' room?

Could I skip a shower for a month, cut out some of my play time with the kids and quality couple time to get it done?

NO.

I drew a line in the sand.

Just, no.

I let the boys paint the coat hook any way they wanted while I figured out how to get some storage out of Shorty's bed.

It's so crazy, but it's so them. They owned it, and it makes them happy. Plus they got some great bonding in while they collaborated on the design. You aren't going to find this on any idea boards or in any design magazines, but I don't care. Why does everything have to coordinate, anyway?

And for the loft bed design, I found a bench, an end table, some shelves, and some small craft pallets (from the store, NOT repurposed -- gasp) to help with extra height where needed. I got some spray paint when I was still thinking about making it look Pinterest-worthy, but I haven't used it. 

The boys begged me to leave a "doorway" so they could have a secret hideout under the bed. It's their favorite feature...and I didn't even have to make it look like a real door or clubhouse. There's a hole where you can peek out through one of the pallets, and they call it their "mailbox." They don't want me to change what the internet would consider a design flaw.

I was able to get it all done while they painted the coat hooks. It was so fast...and imperfect...and not coordinated with the rest of their bedroom.

And not once have they asked me to change it so that it is.

Come to think of it, they haven't asked me why their dresser is the same color it was when it was part of my granny's bedroom suite. They haven't asked me to give their room some sort of theme. They don't feel like their lives are lacking anything because I didn't even bother to take the labels off the jelly jars that hold their craft supplies or why their toys and supplies sit on plastic storage shelves instead of cute painted and papered ones. They actually kind of like the fact that their marker bucket is just a free plastic container left over from a few Halloweens ago and there is an old green and pink Easter basket holding the glitter glue.

In fact, they have never once asked me to spend more time sanding and painting, coordinating and decorating their room so that we can post some pictures to Facebook and see how many "likes" we get or how many people compliment us on our decorating skills.

What they HAVE asked me to do is to spend more time with them. To play games. To run races. To cuddle up and read a book. To have a family movie night. To go bowling. To look them in the eye and give them my full attention.

So if you want to spend your time searching for your next project on social media, executing it, and then posting the results to social media...you go right ahead.

As for me, I'm just not interested.

I'm going to go play soccer.

You could really be a Beau Brummell, baby

(or Lessons learned from letting go...just a little bit)

A little while back I came across a blog post which detailed the adventures of a mommy who let her toddler son dress her for a week. I thought it was hilarious and adorable all at the same time, so I challenged my lovely sister-in-law to allow her little man to dress her for a day. She accepted the challenge and sent me a picture of herself looking perfectly beautiful in mismatched clothes and with her hair styled like Elsa (who happens to be my nephew's girlfriend).

She then aimed the challenge back at me.

It was not something I had really planned to do.

You see, my guys are not toddlers anymore. While that might be an advantage in some ways (they aren't going to forget to pick pants for me), they are each very opinionated about fashion. And their styles are quite...unique...at times.

I don't always let them branch out on their own with their clothing choices. I like to have a little influence...er...control...over what they put on. I don't force them into a dozen layers of "coolness," but I do like to make sure they match.

Perhaps they wouldn't even be interested, I thought. Maybe, just maybe, bigger boys have no desire to dress their mommy. Pleeeeaase don't let them want to dress their mommy.

They wanted to dress their mommy.

I could feel the butterflies in my stomach as I knew I had no control over what I had just set into motion.

Mr. W got to go first. This boy is a fan of the graphic tee. If available, he likes pants with patterns, and he always likes his socks to show...even over the top of his high tops. He has also been known to attempt to style his hair with some gel to look more like Superman.

He knew exactly what shirt he wanted me in. I don't have a lot of graphic t-shirts, and he particularly likes the one with circus elephants. He paired it with a floral skirt, tall mismatched socks and my chucks. He insisted that my hair be down and straightened and added a scarf and the watch his daddy gave me for our engagement. He weighed his options before choosing a colorful messenger bag and glasses, not contacts.

This outfit was fun and super comfy. I kind of felt like a quirky high school student as I was out and about. He was really proud of what he selected, and it was nice to see him smile at me when I wore it.

The next day was Mr. L's turn. Little Mr. L has a unique style. He doesn't follow anybody's rules but his own.

He sorted through every piece in my closet, declaring each of them "pretty" or "bleh." I noticed pretty quickly that he gravitated toward color and pattern. When he paired up a huge multi-colored sweater with a bright, busy skirt he was so excited that it made it easy not to cringe at the choices. He wanted my brightest shoes and socks with tiny kitties had to be visible. My hair, he wanted me to just brush and then leave the way it turned out. A fan of accessorizing, he wanted glasses, my "special" watch, and he chose my sparkliest bracelet as well as a bracelet he had created for me with ribbon and fake flowers. I think he would have chosen a necklace or two, too, but I managed to distract him with bags before he settled on one. It should come as no surprise that he chose the messenger bag to compliment this ensemble.

I have to admit, I felt a bit silly wearing all of this at the same time. I was even tempted to specifically NOT leave the house. However, I had promised that I would take them to a pizzeria for dinner. I felt better about myself when I glanced at the table next to us and saw a lady confidently wearing head to toe sequins, faux fur, and animal prints. She clearly felt fabulous. I did, too, when I saw the proud look on Shorty's face.

Last, but certainly not least was Mr. N. He likes to wear items which are his favorite color or which have a favorite animal on them. He would wear the same shirt every day if I let him. He also loves to "look handsome" and to add bling. He doesn't just put on one button, he wears all of the ones he can find, plus his watch, and also a necklace.

At first, he was a bit insecure choosing my clothes, but once he found my orange tunic he was full of ideas. Leggings, leg warmers, and high heeled boots, as well as my big yellow handbag. My hair should be curled and I needed glasses. He put a watch and a bangle on each wrist and two necklaces around my neck (one was also a watch). 

He was so proud. He said it was the best I had every looked. This was definitely the most high-maintenance outfit of the 3, but it was also the one closest to something I would have chosen for myself. I felt pretty "normal" as we ran errands.

Things I learned from this little experiment:

1.  My boys crave control, and it is healthy for me to relinquish some of mine so they can have a bit more.
2. No matter how strange you think you look, people are not going to ask you about your outfit. They just aren't. They may snicker once you have walked away, but who cares?
3. If you act confident, you will feel confident.
4. If you feel fabulous in a floral skirt and fuchsia sneakers (or sequins and fur), you are fabulous. There is power in holding your head up high.
5. There is nothing wrong with planning an entire outfit around a favorite piece. Or two.
6. Mixing and matching is liberating.
7. Color is your friend. Don't hide from it.
8. Sparkles and bangles and bling make you feel pretty. Remember going overboard in the play jewelry as a kid? Yeah, that.
9. Fashion truly can communicate who you are, how you feel, and what you value.
10. There is nothing, NOTHING, that I wouldn't do to see my little men beam like they did when they looked with pride on their mama out on the town wearing what THEY had picked out. We will likely be doing this again next month.

What do you think? Are you up to the challenge?

Auld Lang Syne

It's been quite a year.

Heck, it's been quite a week.

This week has been full. Full of travel. Full of family. Full of friends. Full of memories. Full of fun...

So here I sit on New Year's Eve in my parents' house while my dad is out, my kids are sleeping, and my husband is driving home from work in western Kansas. I'm watching HGTV and painting my fingernails a color called "Cinderella" and expecting to turn into a pumpkin before midnight rolls around.

Digging around the pantry I found this unopened bottle of deliciousness:

I introduced my mother to this liqueur during my years in Barcelona, and she loved it even more than I did. Every time I came home, I brought a bottle for her.

When the hubs and I moved back to the States, Mom decided that she would save her last bottle for a special occasion. Years passed, and she never did open up that bottle. She was always waiting for the perfect moment to come. Always thinking that a better time to indulge would be right around the corner.

In the end, that perfect moment never came.

In the end, she missed a chance to savor something she loved.

As I sit here on the eve of a new year drinking my mother's liqueur, I know that this silly bottle of alcohol has a lesson for me.

I am determined to savor.

I am not going to waste a moment waiting for a better time to see someone, to let people know I love and appreciate them, to help others.

It is trite, but in 2015 I plan to seize the day.

I think I have started well, or ended well, I guess. I have taken hours when I could have been hurrying off to do something else to try to keep some of Mom's traditions alive, visit a cousin in the hospital, sip coffee with a college roommate, tour another cousin's house for the first time, reconnect with a high school buddy and meet his amazing wife, and sit down with a friend from the Spain days whom I hadn't seen in 14 years.

I raise a glass to you, my friends. To time well spent. To moments savored.

Sing with me:

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and auld lang syne?

CHORUS:
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

And surely you’ll buy your pint cup
and surely I’ll buy mine!
And we’ll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

CHORUS
We two have run about the slopes,
and picked the daisies fine ;
But we’ve wandered many a weary foot,
since auld lang syne.

CHORUS
We two have paddled in the stream,
from morning sun till dine;
But seas between us broad have roared
since auld lang syne.

CHORUS
And there’s a hand my trusty friend !
And give us a hand o’ thine !
And we’ll take a right good-will draught,
for auld lang syne.

CHORUS

Over the Hills and Everywhere

The last 4 days of the Advent season involved a lot of driving in order to visit with both sides of the family. Work schedules and travel itineraries made it impossible for my handsome husband to be going to the same places at the same times as me and the kids, but we made it work and had a good time.

December 22: What is Christmas? Banner

A pack of new markers + a huge roll of paper were laid out in front of the kids. I asked them the question, "What is Christmas?" After they thought about it, I told them to illustrate everything that Christmas means to them.

I was impressed with both their honesty and the depth of their theology. We had everything from a crazy-looking kid reaching for a present while chanting, "Give. Me. My. Toys!" to a picture of a man whose sin was being carried away to the cross and empty tomb.

December 23: Feed the Birds...decorate outdoor Christmas tree

Grandad has  a really lovely pine tree in his yard and we love to decorate it each year. This year we kept it simple, with strings of cranberries and popcorn.

It fit right in with one of the books we have been reading this week. It is such a sweet book.

December 24: Christmas in Missouri!

We got to spend the afternoon of Christmas Eve with my in-laws. It was a lovely day full for gingerbread, coffee, gifts, and good conversation.

They trusted me enough to get the kids science kits and learning games instead of the usual toys, and it was a complete success. There were experiments being conducted in the middle of their living room!

Our visit with them was followed by a candlelight service back at my hometown church, then Christmas Eve presents of new jammies for the kiddos (and A Christmas Story for the grown-up kiddos).

Shut up, Ralphie.

December 25: Christmas in Illinois!

Christmas morning, stockings, gifts under the tree, egg nog for breakfast, and...Star Wars.

The boys were more than spoiled by my dad and brother, and the rest of us made out pretty well, too. We had a lazy morning and while the bird was in the oven, we watched Star Wars. The kids have been dying to watch, but they are pretty nervous when it comes to movies. They don't really like scary things. We decided that they were finally big enough to handle the original 3 movies. So far, we've made it through A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back with great success.

Maybe we have a new Christmas tradition.

It's a Marshmallow World in the Winter

December 15: It's Cookie Day!

One of our most favorite days of the year, although it's a lot of work...made into a lot more work by the fact that my 3 little men are helping. I have to put on the Christmas music and just be prepared for the imperfection that is the sweet perfection of having my guys want to bake with me.

There may have been half a batch of pumpkin bread that had to be thrown out because someone wasn't listening. There may have been dough-covered beaters flying through the air because someone wasn't paying attention. There may have been moments when I lost my temper about it all. But there were apologies and forgiveness all around, and I'm happy to have "helpers."

There may have been cookies flopped haphazardly onto the cookie sheet, resulting in several fusing together during baking. There may also have been snowmen that looked more like the Bride of Frankenstein. It was fun...once I decided to let it be.

There may have been some fingers in the sugar and possibly a squeeze or two of icing straight into the mouth. It was worth it.

There may have been (and may still be) a coating of sprinkles and flour across any and every flat surface...and my jeans. I wouldn't change it.

December 16: Cookie Delivery & Caroling!

It turned out to be just delivery. Even though we practiced a few songs and they said they wanted to sing, they got incredibly shy once they were put on the spot. My hopes of posting a video of the three of them singing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" to the neighbors were dashed. Oh, well.

We had 8 tins of cookies to deliver. We hit up a few of the neighbors and then moved on to our "heroes." These included a state trooper who lives at the end of the street, the local firefighters, and the local librarians.

December 17: Christmastime in the City

I'm crazy. I really REALLY love big cities at this time of year. Although some folks around here might disagree with me, Wichita is NOT a big city. So we piled into the car to drive to Kansas City. Three hours to get there, 4 hours at Union Station, and 3+ hours to get back (in a blizzard, no less). Totally worth it.

A little train ride and an amazing model train display (with Legos and superheroes, too!) entertained the kiddos. The beautiful tree and lights entertained Mommy. And a sack full of 100 candy canes that we distributed to strangers with a wish of "Merry Christmas" kept the people around us entertained.

December 18: Christmas in Miniature at Exploration Place

More trains! This time at the local children's museum. Their display was set to Christmas music and is a nice little show that takes you from sunrise to sunset and through the night.

There was also a holiday movie we were planning to see at the theater, but they happened to be holding a charity event during the exact show time we were counting on. It's difficult to be angry at the Make a Wish Foundation. So this day wasn't as Christmas-y as I had hoped, but it was still a lot of fun!

December 19: Make a gingerbread treat

I found a cute kit that was an entire gingerbread village. There were a total of 5 buildings, so each of us was able to decorate his own with no competition from anyone else. We made them sit and look at it for a day before they were allowed to rip it to pieces, which is what they really wanted to do.

December 20: Carriage ride & lights display for our "Christmas Eve"

Well, it was supposed to be a carriage ride & lights display, anyway. The line for the carriage rides looked like it was going to last all night, so we drove on past, checking out the beautifully lit tree as we did.

Then we looked up other lights displays in the area. We found a drive through display that was highly rated and headed across town. Some of it left the hubby and I scratching our heads and giggling. While neither of us was blown away by the experience, and were perhaps feeling a bit of disappointment, Thing 1 piped up from the back, "That was the most WONDERFUL thing I've seen this Christmas! I LOVED IT!" The other two boys agreed and drew pictures of their favorite thing they had seen as soon as we got home.

I was reminded that things don't have to be fancy to be wonderful.

I am going to try to look at the world through the eyes of wonder my children still possess...and thank God every day that they haven't lost that vision yet.

December 21: "Christmas" in Kansas!

We have a lot of traveling to do this year, and the hubby has a pretty busy work schedule...the end of the year stinks...so we celebrated our first of several "Christmases."

The boys woke up early to full stockings and presents calling to them from around the tree. There weren't a lot, but the ones that were there were "big ticket" items that the hubs and I were pretty excited about. Particularly the hubs...gift giving is his favorite love language.

After the last gift was unwrapped, N looked at me and said, "Do you know what I was hoping for? I wish I had gotten an umbrella."

Hurt feelings, tears, apologies, hugs...followed by a discussion about (in)gratitude...followed by another discussion about our sinful hearts never being satisfied so long as we look to people, places, and things to do for us what only God can do: bring us peace and joy.

And finally, a reminder that a gift is a way for someone to say "I love you." Even if we are not thankful for the gift, we can be thankful for the love.